I'm Here If You Need Me...

I’m nervous, of course. That’s only natural. But then i’m absolutely terrified. Not about anything going on, but about being alone in the hospital. My mom is going to fight to stay with me those 5 days, but everytime i think of going under…. 

I remember when i had my endoscopy done. It’s not a surgery, but your under anesthesia anyway. And i remember lying on the gurney and the doctors putting IV’s and what not in my arms. Then they put the mask on my face and told me to count to ten. That’s when i started crying. My mom was crying, i was suddenly very scared, and i didn’t want them to leave. I fought the anesthesia as long as i could. I felt my eyes rolling to the back of my head the flop forward again while i tried to make sense of things. Then everything went black. I woke up and i was in the recovery hall and my parents were all there crying.

And i keep feeling like that’s how the surgery is going to go. Except i’m going to wake up in more pain. I know i’ll have to be there at a certain time to be admitted, just like when i did the STIM test for the growth hormone, only this time i’ll be hooked up to an IV and then who knows. I don’t know if i’ll need to do the ‘stay the night before’ thing that they sometimes do. And then i’ll be saying goodbye. for now, of course. But i don’t want to feel scared again or to see everyone crying for me…. if their scared, i’m scared. if their not… im terrifed…